Friday, September 29, 2006

WHATEVER

~Sigh~

My bike is great. With recent repairs, it's gliding like I always imagined it should. It has never, ever felt this good. My old bike shop kept adjusting my gears for me, missing what was really wrong: rusted rear inner hub and bearings. New bike shop in VA went right to it, replaced it all, and I've got a quiet, smooth-running, silky-shifting machine. I took him a plate of cookies. And with the new tires, it's flying.

That's good because my swimming absolutely sucks. I've gone back probably two years worth in time and efficiency. I've apparently done something stupid to my stroke. Wish I could take it into a shop and get it fixed like my bike. Maybe I still can, in the month left before IMFL. Not before tomorrow's AquaVelo race, but after. There's a masters swim group here. Maybe they'll let me in and the coach can work with me.

I hope I make the swim cutoff tomorrow, 2.4 miles point-to-point against an incoming tide. If I can do that, my bike will make up for lost time.

Whatever happens, happens.

~Sigh~ I am having my usual horrendous time getting into the swing of a new job. I always feel timid at first, which makes me hesitant to make any decisions (e.g. what to do), which becomes near-paralysis (physically and mentally), which necessitates asking someone all the time, "What do I do?" which makes me look incompetent and lacking intelligence, which puzzles my employers because in a general way I seem like such a smart person, which makes them think I'm either not trying or not interested, which makes them treat me in a condescending or abrupt or semi-angry way, which makes me feel bad, which further paralyzes me, which causes me to make mistakes, which further makes me look incompetent, etc., etc., etc. Anxiety makes me think about ramifications while something is being explained to me, with the result that I don't remember what was explained, and proceed to do it wrong the next time, which makes the person I asked say, "What did we talk about yesterday when this came up???", which makes my mind go blank, which makes everyone, including me, wonder if something is wrong with my brain.

Once I get on my feet and get over the fear, I am a good employee. I have gone through this in ever job I have ever had. I go through the entire first weeks, or months, or year, in constant fear of being canned for being stupid. Even though I am far from stupid. I graduated 3rd in my high school class; I maintained a 4.0 all through nursing school, and then left my first nursing job after 4 weeks on a medical leave for anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I never went back to that job; started over in a different hospital where I'd done my clinical training, told them up front I was scared shitless and needed help, and they pulled me through it in about 3 months. I don't have 3 months to get on my feet in this dumb campground job where the hardest part is figuring out what size rig can go in what size site. With the right electrical connections. And south-facing for their satellite dish. And away from the freeway to cut down on noise. And near the shower house. And next to a site where their friends can have a tent. And near the dog-walk field. You can't have everything. But I've failed someone if I don't come through with it all.

Yes, this is the same job where the girl arranged EVERYONE's fall schedule around my IM training and gave us 2 weeks off to go to my race. And she is the one who intimidates me more than any of the others. Maybe because I feel I owe her. Maybe because I'm afraid she resents my "special needs" and imagine she thinks I'm a pain in the neck.

Never mind. Whatever happens, happens.

Whatever.

I'm off to work (took 1/4 milligram of Xanax) and then off to St. Michaels, MD to pick up Nancy, then off to Cambridge for bike-inspection and racking and pre-race meeting, then back to Nancy's and off to bed, then off to the races.

I have a sore shoulder that I thought was from swimming but diagnosed a different cause: holding the phone against my ear with my shoulder while I write reservations.

~Sigh~ Even thought it's caused by the phone and not swimming, I didn't discover the cause in time and it still hurts a little and will hurt for the 2.4 miles tomorrow.

Whatever.

3 comments:

TriFeist said...

Good luck, Ellie. Once you hit the water on race day, you'll be fine.

Flo said...

First off, here's a big hug for you. I know exactly how you feel about new jobs. I'm very similar and can totally sympathize with you.

As for the race, you'll be fine. It's probably just anxiety over the job and normal race jitters that's making you feel this way. Just relax, have fun with Nancy, and do the best you can, that's all you can expect from yourself.

Good Luck and I can't wait to hear about it.

Holly said...

Let it all go and try to have a good time this weekend Ellie!!

And if you have to say "Whatever" say it like a valley girl ... "WHAT EVAH!!!" and smile!

Sending you good vibes!