LAZARUS, COAXED FROM THE DEAD

I want to get back to blogging. I have had so many unwritten pages, so many unrecorded chapters, of the story of my life fly away in the wind this summer. I can only hazily remember that I lived them.... I can't ever read about those days or truly relive them, or remember the truths I learned from them And nobody else ever will, either.

I have been so consumed with myself. That's why I haven't been able to share myself.

We just had a wonderful week in a truck-camper at a small lake in Michigan, with our son Jon, his daughters Sarah, 2, and Abbie, 7, and our 11-yo granddaughter Gracie. Gracie and I took time for an overnight trip to Chicago, by train, just the 2 of us. We had never been anywhere alone together except maybe Wal-Mart or Kroger's. It was a special treat.

So were the next couple days at the lake, our family, swimming, playing on the playground, catching minnows in buckets, and visiting or being visited by many family members we rarely get to see.

Kind of crowded in the little truck-camper and even more so riding to and from in the truck itself, but togetherness is what it's all about.

In case you're wondering..... we sold the RV in which we'd lived for the past 5 years. We live only in my mother's house now, keeping her company and making sure she's OK, and have recently gotten the truck-top camper, which sleeps 5 somewhat comfortably. It was our first trip in it. Next month we'll take our grandson.

I had much, very much care of the 3 young ones during this time. Gracie's 11 and needed companionship and alone-time more than she needed care. (Except when she tripped on an escalator in flip flops and mangled her toe; she needed care then.) So I applied myself to caring for the little girls, and making room for downtime for the hardworking men and the almost-woman girl, who loved floating on a raft without little ones tethered to her. During the week I got in one run with Jon (sprained my ankle) and one 20-min lap swim while Jon took all the girls out on a pedal boat. I worked to give each member of the family some of myself all week, and I didn't have that stressed out feeling I get when I whine about there not being enough of me to go around. Just giving myself up to the needs of the others, encouraging them to help themselves and the others when possible, thanking them for doing so, doing it for them if they didn't, speaking gently even when I wanted to raise my voice to get a response..... it went so smoothly because I took along a lifelong friend that I haven't been in close touch with for some time but who was thrilled to go along and help out and spend time with me.... Jesus. What a help he was, how pertinent his suggestions, how soothing his frequent "That's OK, I'll handle it." He's gently pointing out to me places where my words will add to the conversation, and places where it will just muddy the waters. Often I spew in words about some similar experience and start realizing that no one is listening, they've started other conversations.... they don't care what my experience was. If they do, they will ask me. If they don't, I'm off the hook, don't have to worry about how what I said came across.

Talking less doesn't mean I'm withdrawing. I pray it's the beginning of greater fellowship, now that I realize I'm here to appreciate and help them, not to yak about my own passions, roadblocks, burdens fair or unfair, whether other people's opinions are right or wrong...those things shouldn't be important to me. All that matters is saying what God nudges me to say, and he's provided me with some pithy stuff this week.

And with that I'll leave you all wondering till another day.

On this trip I learned major things:

• It's not about me.
• Pray without ceasing.
• All things work together for those who love God.

I can face life again.

THE RESET BUTTON

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance." (Galatians 5:22-23)

~Sigh~

I need to start over from Square One about every hour......

HANGING OVER ME

I'm caught in a time warp.

Now that it's thru-hiker season, I keep thinking, what could I have done to stay on the Trail? Even though, at the time, I had become convinced that I WANTED to come home and do the SavageMan triathlon, and when I did, I was very happy that I had.

It was after the triathlon was over that the sadness kicked in. Training for the tri had filled the void temporarily.

I'm training for the same tri again now (I'll have 6 months of training for it instead of 2 like last year) but it's not filling the void this time. No doubt I'd still be feeling Springer Fever now even if I'd stayed on the Trail and gotten to Katahdin. I'd want the hope-filled start and long step-after-step journey and the climactic finish again. I'd be wanting to pack my pack and do the whole 2,183 miles all over again. I'm sure I would. Even if I'd finished it.

Nothing ever takes the longing away. No one is ever the same. I hear it over and over.

The one thing to the contrary that I do hear, I may have averted: sticking with it far past desire, far past reason, coming to dread each day, loathing it, finishing out of stubbornness, and then never wanting to hike again, never wanting to see a trail again, even for a day. I've heard of that happening.

I'm glad it didn't happen to me. I got out in time.

With the result that I keep thinking about what I could have done to keep hiking, and what I can do to get back out there, and where and when and how.

Better to be left wanting more and planning and waiting for it to be possible, than to have lost the longing.

THINGS CHANGE

My tent is still outside from when I slept in it the other night. I've rested in it, napped in it, but not overnighted again since then. I keep thinking I will, but then I don't.

The weather map shows what looks like thunderstorms moving in after midnight. I was thinking I'd go out now before bed and take my tent down (in the dark) so it won't get wet. But what the heck, it's been wet lots of times. It's been wet for days at a time. The only thing is, I want to keep my down sleeping bag dry.

Then I realized.... if it gets wet, I'll bring it into the house and put it in the dryer.

Things have changed. I am not on the Trail anymore. Yet.

A fellow on an AT hiking email list is going to send me a hammock system to try risk-free: if I don't like it, I can send it back. I can't wait to try it. You stay drier in a hammock under a tarp then in a tent, and all you need to set it up is two trees -- you never have to worry about level ground or being in a low place or rocks or roots because you're above all that. I can't wait to test it out!

Then hoping to head back to the WV/MD state line on the Trail, maybe mid-May, and hike for a week or so, through Maryland and hopefully into PA to the half-way mark. My husband will stay with my mother for that long. I have got to get hiking to get well.... I'm down with "Springer Fever." Except today it was "Neels Gap Fever" -- a year ago today I'd made it to Neels Gap, the first significant landmark, 31 miles from Springer Mountain, that's some kind of Mecca for beginning hikers: "When I get to Neels Gap I'm going to get..." "When I get to Neels Gap I'm going to find out if there's any...." "When I get to Neels Gap I'm going to weed out a lot of junk...." Neels Gap was on everyone's mind. I felt such accomplishment when I made it.

Well, another year.... another time. In the meantime, I'll go for week-long jaunts and make slow progress up the trail. Trail Fever aka Springer Fever (also regret) is consuming me. I gotta get out there and hike a little.

ANNIVERSARY COMMEMORATION

April 1st was my Appalachian Trail start date last year. I'm remembering it by sleeping out in my tent in the woods behind the house. If I'd thought of it sooner, I'd have gone on a hike nearby and camped out there. But then I'd have missed coloring Easter eggs with our 2 youngest granddaughters, which was a blast, especially since they used raw eggs :-) Anyway, great evening with them and our son, and now I'm going to sleep outside.

How things change from the way we imagined they would be. I really thought I'd finish on Mt. Katahdin in Maine about October 1st. Well, some other year. Or some other decade.

ELLIE'S HEALTH-CARE REFORM PLAN

It seems to me that the new health-care reform measures don't do much of anything to investigate causative factors of the exhorbitant costs of care, or to lower those costs -- only "how to get (or enable, or force) us to pay it" has been addressed. I think they're barking up the wrong tree.

Here's my plan:

FIRST: REFORM PHARMACEUTICAL ADVERTISING.

Outlaw public advertising of prescription drugs. Those TV commercials ("Ask your doctor if this drug is right for you!") and two-page magazine spreads are presented to encourage use of prescription drugs and increase sales. The commercial spots are expensive to the companies, and we pay for it in higher drug costs. Another less-obvious but expensive form of drug advertising is aimed directly at physicians in the form of visitation and gifting by pharmaceutical representatives ("drug reps.") Company employees book appointments with physicians and give them a presentation about a specific drug (information? or propaganda? Since the info is supplied by the drug's manufacturer?) AND buy lunch or dinner for the entire office staff as a magnanimous gesture. They keep track of how many prescriptions for X the doctor writes, and they'll ask him next visit, "Why are you not prescribing X more often?" They bring cakes, cookies, and donuts, and free gifts of clocks, insulated coffee mugs, and exam-table paper printed with the names of their drugs, just as a few examples. On a large scale, I can't imagine how much all this must cost. In the rural physician's office where I worked, we could count on lunch from a drug rep once or twice a week. They'd call in the morning and ask what restaurant we wanted, and the office manager or receptionist would call the restaurant with our orders, and at lunch the rep would bring it in take-out boxes. My daughter in a large city has a friend who's an office nurse and says they have lunch provided EVERY SINGLE DAY from drug reps.

All of this should stop. No more TV and public-magazine advertising (medical journals are a different situation) and drug reps should not be allowed to give doctors anything but ink pens. Drugs have to carry a hefty price tag for the manufacturers to turn a profit after all this advertising and bribing.

SECOND: REFORM MEDICAL LITIGATION.

Outlaw class-action lawsuits, which often reimburse individuals who never suffered any ill effects of a drug or treatment and never filed suit. Outlaw prescription-specific litigation advertising: "Have you or a loved one been injured by Yaz? Levaquin? Crestor? Etc.? Etc.? Call our law firm NOW!" Success or settlement of these cases increases the price of drugs yet again.

Outlaw commercial advertising by medical-injury litigators. "Have you been injured, sickened, or killed by a medical mistake? Does your child have a birth defect? Have you started sneezing? Call our firm and GET MONEY." Physicians, hospitals, nursing homes, and other care practices, out of necessity charge the consumer more in order to cover their liability insurance. The only place litigation attorneys should be able to advertise is the newspaper and the Yellow Pages. Medical litigation is a feeding frenzy.

Consumers should, indeed, be able to bring suit for legitimate damages. But put an end to frivolous lawsuits: if the litigant loses, they pay EVERYONE'S court costs, including the attorney for the defendant, all of the court staff, lost wages of anyone testifying... every single cost incurred by anyone involved in that case.

Set a cap on the amount of damages that can be awarded, keeping it relevant to the actual cost of the injury, subsequent required care, lost wages and reduced quality of life.

These measures could go a long way in reducing the cost of health care, prescription medications, and medical insurance.

MAPLE RUN 8K RACE

I went to this race yesterday, part of the Pennsylvania Maple Festival in Meyersdale, PA.

5-mile run; I've been doing casual runs of anything from a half hour to an hour, not pushing hard at all, just doing time. I expected to have fun and probably break an hour; or, if it was a really good day, maybe make it in 50 minutes.

My time:
44:44

Early on a man about my age started running with me, and we started talking, and he was going just a little faster than I was comfortable maintaining, but I was having fun talking with him. We talked just about the whole time. Now and then I'd say, "I have to quit talking, I can't keep up this pace and talk, too," and he'd say, "Well, your pace is just about perfect for me," and then he'd say something and I'd answer and we'd be talking again. My shoe came untied and he actually waited while I tied it because he wanted to stay with me! So I have him to thank for my unexpected performance!

I thought I might be good for an age-group second, if I was lucky. But I was FIRST in my age group (women 55-59) -- first out of two.

But here's the thing. After the awards I went to the results board and looked at the times, and THAT's when I got mindblown.

I would have won in the next three age groups under mine, also.

Women's 50-54 winner ran 45:32. Women's 45-49, 48:29. Women's 40-44, 45:38. No runners 35-39, and the 30-34 first-place woman was ahead of me, but the second-place runner in that group was not.

Besides myself, there were a total of 13 women from 40-59. Holy cow.... I'm out there running faster than that many younger women???? How did I do that? I've hardly been training! I haven't run 5 miles in over a month!

So I got a shiny piece of bling and a definite mental high. I was feeling great when I got home so I went out and biked for an hour, taking advantage of weather we shouldn't be having until May, even though there are still snow drifts dotting the now-mostly-bare fields and roadsides.

What a wonderful day!

"MOUNTAIN TALK

I just watched a program, "Mountain Talk," on the Documentary Channel, about the speech mannerisms and unique vocabulary of the rural residents of southern Appalachia.

It made me so homesick.

An old woman stated that when she was growing up, the nearest town was Robbinsville, but she never went there until cars came into the area.

The reason I know that "Robbinsville" has two "b's" is that I've been there. It was one of my rest-and-resupply stops on the Appalachian Trail.

Breathtaking mountain views kept appearing, with swirling mist in the valleys. The kind I saw just about every day.

I could cry for those days and those miles.

In a way, it feels as though triathlon is sort of meaningless. I mean, what's the point? Swim a prescribed distance, hop soaking wet onto a bike and pedal a prescribed distance, change your shoes and run (or walk, or crawl, or whatever) a prescribed distance. Why?

I guess.... to see if I can. Or to see if I can do it again, or do it longer, or farther, or stronger.

I guess for the same reasons I want to go back to the Trail.

OTHER PEOPLE'S SUNDAY

The Census Bureau wants us to hurry up. At first they wanted the local counts in by March 22, which meant we actually had to finish by March 20 to get it in. Then they wanted it by the 20th, so that gave us till the 18th. Now they want it Tuesday, which means it needed to be finished today. On Friday they asked for all hands on deck, with all employees working all day both Saturday and Sunday.

I said no.

It's not that I refuse to do work on Sunday, or believe people shouldn't. I often have. I was a nurse. Hospitals don't close on Sunday, people don't take a day off from being sick. I worked. When I have worked in stores or gyms, if I was scheduled for Sunday, I worked. It gave someone else the day off, and usually it equalled out. And it's not as if all I'll do on Sunday is go to church and then spend the rest of the day reading the Bible. I go running on Sundays, and I'll run a marathon or do a triathlon on Sunday, thanking police officers and race volunteers for their help. I'll go to the store on Sunday, thankful others are working so I can get groceries I couldn't get during the week while I was working -- in fact, I went shopping after church today.

This is something totally different, though.

American citizens are Constitutionally assured the freedom to practice religion (or not) without government interference or restriction. Sunday is traditionally a religious holiday for Christians, and this is a heavily-Christian area of Maryland. Example: classified ads in the local newspaper are replete with the statement "No Sunday sales" whether the advertiser is selling a used car, homemade quilts, clothing alterations, or pit bull puppies. I felt sick in the gut at the idea of knocking on their doors with government business, interrupting the sanctuary of their day of rest and worship as if it were just like any other day. My own religious freedom is violated if I am required to intrude on that of others. I believe it is ethically objectionable for the government to make this intrusion or require its workers to make it.

I said no. I told them why. They gave my assignment to someone else. She came and picked up my paperwork and I told her how to get to the area and off she went.

I'm not fired. My supervisor said I was not the only one not accepting a Sunday assignment. I may be working tomorrow, if everything didn't get done today. And I'm still eligible for re-hire for the next round of operations.

Thankfully, our freedom (so far, anyway) does not allow termination of employment for religious belief, or for consideration of others' religious practices.

IT MADE THE PAPER!!

I sent my photo of our son's snowed-in swingset to our local paper, The Republican (can you guess the political leanings of most of the people here?) and they published it as illustrative of the extreme conditions our area has experienced this winter. It's the first time I've ever had a photo published in a newspaper. The caption described "...a shot of the backyard of Jon Hamilton....Taken by his mom, Ellie, the photo has in the foreground the tiptop of his children's swing set, which is approximately seven feet tall."

Does that count as a byline?

HIKING THE CENSUS TRAIL

Did I mention that I have a temporary job canvassing homes as a Census Enumerator? They used to call it "Census Taker." I guess "Enumerator" sounds more official. I think it sounds like an Arnold Schwarzenegger role: "I AM THE ENUMERATOR!!!!!"

If the outer reaches of Garrett County, MD were not still under snow, checking off the address list would be so much easier. The area I had today.... well, some of the houses were plowed out. Some of the roads were passable. Some addresses I could reach by driving around the long way and accessing them from the other end of the road. Some I could see from the road but what I could not see was a driveway or anything resembling one.

The reason they were not plowed out was, these are mostly vacation homes in an upscale resort community. No one lives there. But they have addresses so they have to get a Census questionnaire.

Actually a few people live there. I actually contacted a person at a couple of places. Mostly I left questionnaires in plastic bags on doorknobs, after hiking up what might have been their driveway, or just through the woods, in knee-to-thigh-deep snow.

The Census Bureau had better be grateful. They can't be, though, because they won't know. The people who made the maps don't know that road signs have disappeared, as have the roads they identified. Whoever did the initial canvassing to ascertain addresses, last year, didn't do it through 2 feet of snow. Yes, that's what we still have. I used our GPS a lot. I hiked a lot.

If someone had to go out there, it should have been someone with a lot of endurance, someone strong, maybe some kind of athlete, a marathon-runner or backpacker or something, because they would have had to hike the Appalachian Trail to be ready for this. Oh, wait, that's me.

And because it was so like hiking (although on the Trail, I only had to deal with about 3 inches of snow) it was actually pretty enjoyable. Figuring out the best route through the woods to the house, post-holing through, knee-deep one step, then the next step hitting a low place and sinking to my hip; falling, grabbing branches for balance and leverage -- it was right down my alley. The funny thing was, along with my hiking boots, wool knee socks, and waterproof hiking pants, I was wearing a sleevless top and light sweater because it was 60*F, and charging through the snow like that got me all sweated up. But my boots have lost their waterproofing, and my feet got soaked. I was driving with my windows open and the heater going full-blast on the floor.

For my lunch break I drove back out to the community entrance where there was a parking lot in front of a closed office building, poured water out of my boots and wrung out my socks. Water streamed from them. Then I ran the heater full-blast from everywhere -- put my socks over the defroster to dry out a little and warm up, my boots (filled with paper napkins) on the floor and propped my cold feet up in front of the dash vents, with all the windows open because it was so hot in the car. I ate cheese and Rice Krispies Bars and drank water from a Powerade bottle. It truly felt like a Trail lunch, complete with sock-airing. When I was done for the day, I poured water out of my boots and wrung out my socks again, and then wrung them out again when I got home, because they had gotten so wet again just from being in my boots.

As on the Trail, there is no way my boots will dry overnight. They're beside a heater vent, but the weather is now unseasonably warm, and the furnace will probably not come on during the night.

Well, I have been homesick for hiking. And I get paid for this.

But it's sorta nuts.

THE SNOWIEST WINTER EVER

Garrett County, MD is known for getting the most annual snowfall of any area in the state -- about 116 inches. But this is ridiculous. In the course of three storms since February 5, with no thaws in between, we're close to 250" now for the season.

We got the first storm three weeks ago on a Friday, followed by a second one on Tuesday. After the first storm, the snow was up to my hips (I'm about 5'1".) The second brought it up to my waist. Then we got just dribbling stuff, a couple or 3 inches every day or two, until our total on-the-ground measurement was 53 inches as of last weekend.

Our F250 truck after the second storm.

Digging out the car.

We dug out the truck just a couple days ago. We did not shovel INTO the truck bed; this is how it fell from the sky.

Then, this Thursday and Friday, the day after we shoveled out the truck, we got a third storm. Various sites and sources are waying it was 21 inches. It's hard to tell, since it was accompanied by high winds that blew it into amazing drifts.

I'm not sure what's actual snowfall and what's drift, but this is our son's backyard: in the background, his smokehouse; in the foreground, his daughters' swingset. It's a normal-size swingset.

Here's a zoomed-in shot of the swingset, taken from his back deck.

How do you like them apples???

A CHEERFUL GIVER

As so often happens, on a Sunday when I've been thinking, "I should go to church but I don't feel like it," and then I break down and go, it turns out that had I decided to stay home I'd have really missed something.

Today it was Chapter 9 of II Corinthians, which contains the familiar verse, "God loveth a cheerful giver."

I haven't been.

In the context of the sermon, it was mostly about material gifts, but I started thinking midstream, this isn't about my money or my hand-me-downs, it's about me.

I have not given cheerfully of myself. Not for a long time. I've given grudgingly, often with expectation of fair play. I'll do X for you if you'll do Y for me. Or, correspondingly, I won't do X for you if you don't do Y for me. As well as, since you don't do Y for me, I won't do X for you. Maybe if I stop doing X for you you'll learn you should be doing Y for me.

Doing X in expectation of Y isn't being a cheerful giver. Jesus didn't say, "I'll die for you IF you...." He just did it.

Unconditional giving. I hope I'm up to it.

Snowflake Chase 5-miler 2010

Well. You didn't know I was working up to a race, did you? Neither did I. At least, not until the Pittsburgh Marathon, which is May 2.

Anyway, I decided, what the heck, there's this Snowflake Chase 5-miler, less than half-an-hour away, why not go see? Other than SavageMan, it's the first race I've run since the Austin Marathon in 2008. Based on my current lolly-gagging workout times, I thought I might pull off a sub-55 at Snowflake.

Son of a gun. My time was 47:00. I had to bust ass to get it, but it predicts a 4:36:55 marathon finish. Now, if were to lose 10 pounds, it could take 20 minutes off my marathon time, right? I think that's the formula, 2 minutes per pound of weight loss. Or maybe it's 2 seconds per minute per pound. Ten pounds, 20 seconds, would turn 10-minute miles to 9:40 miles, which again, would do it if everything else goes absolutely perfectly.

Suddenly a Boston Qualifier of 4:15 doesn't seem so impossible. Except, I worked so hard today for just 5 miles..... keeping that up for 21.2 more miles seems.... well .... impossible.

Average pace was 9:43, which is EXACTLY what I need at Pittsburgh.

I wasn't sure where I'd stack up in the age groups today. From 25-29 on, the AG winners' times being called out were 5-10 minutes longer than mine. But when the RD started with the 55-59 women, suddenly the times dropped like rocks and I placed third (out of probably three.) Nevertheless, I was only a couple minutes behind the AG winner. I have noted, since starting running a quarter-century ago, that my AG has some FAST WOMEN.

Well, on to marathon planning, and working on the 10 pounds. As I've described, I haven't been doing all that well at Weight Watchers. It only works if you work it. Imagine that.

TREADMILL

My mother has a treadmill which she actually walks on sometimes. At 88 she doesn't go outdoors if there's snow on the ground, so she got this treadmill a couple years ago and has spells of walking on it at 1mph for 5 or so minutes twice a day.

It's snowed here nearly every day for the last two weeks and been bone-chilling cold. I got in an 11-mile run last Wednesday when we visited our daughters in Columbus, OH. It was cold but the roads were clear.

The last 2 days, I've done an hour a day on the elliptical while I was working at the gym. Today I was off, so I just did an hour on Mom's treadmill.

It's set on a little incline, which made it hard to keep up even 12-minute miles. You can change the incline but you have to take off these little support legs and reposition them. Too much trouble, when the small incline can only make me stronger. I took walk breaks of about a minute every 5 minutes, since it was too soon after dinner, which felt like it was in my throat rather than my stomach.

Still kind of a bummer to run for an hour and see only 4.3 miles when I've got this delusion I can run a 4:15 at the Pittsburgh Marathon, May 2, and qualify for Boston. Yeah, I'm on this qualify-for-Boston jag again. It's not gonna happen unless I get my weight down around 115. And that's not gonna happen if I keep eating like I have been.

MORE ON FOOD AND EATING

First off, I'm just plain addicted to eating. It doesn't even have to be anything I like. My husband bought butterscotch-ripple ice cream b/c he knows I don't like butterscotch. I ate it anyway. (Butterscotch is one of maybe 5 tastes I really do not like. Others are: okra, hard-cooked egg yolks, liver, wasabi.)

I don't have to be hungry either. I can be not-hungry and still eat something I don't even like just to be eating.

My mother, whom I dearly love, used to make me eat things I didn't like so that maybe I'd "learn" to like it. Mostly, I did, with the result that I now eat anything that's not nailed down, whether I like it or not.

While I was hiking, I couldn't eat enough. I was ALWAYS hungry and trying to eat ENOUGH and still lost 20 pounds. I've read that rebound weight-gain is a common problem for long-distance hikers. I thought I could keep it from happening to me :-(

I'm watching "Biggest Loser" as I write this. Maybe I'm petty to quibble about 10 or 12 pounds. But I hate the way I look in mirrors, of which there are plenty at the gym where I work and in my mother's house. They're a constant reminder, but they don't keep me from eating myself silly.

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU?

To control your weight, or lose if that's your intention?

Low-fat? Low-cal? Low-carb? Weight Watchers? Weigh Down? Do-it-yourself?

I'm currently going to Weight Watchers but it emphasizes low-fat/low cal and I don't really believe in that. I believe more in fat-burning via limiting carbohydrates, and/or in eat-when-hungry, don't-eat-if-not-hungry, stop-when-full.

Except I can't stick with any of those for more than half a day. Actually I can't stick with WW for more than that long either.

I WANT FOOD!!!! I want lots of food, even though in a global sense I consider it vaguely obscene to have to plan and follow programs (even pay for them) to lose weight when in so many places it's impossible to get enough to eat to achieve a normal weight.

But we live where we live, including in the body we live in.

It's hard to believe that just a few months ago I was too thin.

Not anymore. I ate my way right back to the size I was when I started hiking last April 1. I would have been OK with putting back 10 pounds, but not all 20 plus a couple more. I have moments (heck, out with it, call it days, weeks) of self-hate and self-disgust because I can't reign in my desire for food.

Unlimited salad and leafy greens don't cut it. Weight Watchers calls anything that's mostly water a "Filling Food" and says eat them liberally, they'll keep you full longer. Like fruits and vegetables and lean protein and skim milk. Fat-free milk is called a "Filling Food" whereas milk with any fat content is not. Tuna packed in water is "filling," while tuna packed in oil is not.

I guess anything works if you work it. Which I mostly don't. For more than half a day.

OVERWHELMED AT NEW YEAR'S

So at the annual turning of the year, you're supposed to make a resolution that's going to change your life. Or several resolutions.



I better take this to my other blog, "Ellie's List of Lists."



One thing I do want:

I just turned 58, three days before Christmas. I would like to enter my 60's, two years from now, in the best physical, mental, and spiritual shape I've ever been in.



Or at least the best physical shape.



I still want to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. That will probably have to wait until my mother is no longer physically with us. She thinks she can live alone, but I think differently. I didn't realize how disabled she is, until I started living with her. She can't live alone. I can't leave for more than a few days. AT is off for an indefinite period of time.



But granddaughter Abbie, who will be 7 at the end of this month, sounded very excited last night when I suggested she and I take some hikes with backpacks and stay all night in tents. I said hike for the afternoon, make camp, fix supper, sleep in tents, and hike back the next day, and she said, "No! LOTS!!" She still has trouble saying all that's in her head but I said, "What, more than one night?" And she repeated, "LOTS!! Nother night, and nother night, and nother night!!"



Well, maybe not THAT much -- how much mileage can a smallish-for-age 7-yr-old handle? -- but maybe a couple nights. Abbie would be a fun little backpacking partner.



Her dad, our son, likes it, too. Maybe he and I could do Maryland together on the AT. It should only take 4 or 5 days.



Anyway, I have to take care of myself so that in 5 or 10 years I can thru-hike. I'll be that year's Old Lady of the Mountains.



As for getting my life into some form of predictabiliby, purpose, and plan..... guess I'll go over to Ellie's List of Lists.

CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

OK, is this activity a fond, familiar part of everyone's Christmas memories?

How many of you actually roast chestnuts as part of your holiday celebration?

Has anyone EVER done it? In the last hundred years, anyway?

WORD PUZZLE

This question was posed by "Freebird" one evening on the Appalachian Trail, as a bunch of us sat cooking, rinsing clothes, eating, sorting gear, and whatever else we did in the evenings.

Name 10 parts of the human body that have only three letters. Authentic words, that a doctor would use: in other words, "tit" and "ass" don't count. Nor does the one contributed last night by my 88-year-old mother, "nut."

OK, gang, have at it.